heaveninmyheart (heaveninmyheart) wrote in just_scream,
heaveninmyheart
heaveninmyheart
just_scream

What frustrates me the most...

I'm obsessed with my relationship with my boyfriend. I think I drive him crazy because I stress it so much. He keeps telling me to let go of the small stuff. I freak out about the fact that he has a lot more friends than I do. I feel like he has so much more of another world than I do. That when he is upset he can go run away and forget about me. I used to have a lot more close female friends and I went to them when I was distressed. But I realized that you can't always go to other people all the time.

The fact that I have been turning to my boyfriend so often these days makes me even more sure. You can't expect only one person to help you deal. It's too much for them. They have so many of their own problems to deal with and they end up feeling neglected. I guess I want to know why do I have to turn to someone? Why am I so bothered? Why am I writing so much here? Is this even helpful? It's so hard to know what's good and bad.

I don't even know where to stand on things. Like my boyfriend is a very independent person. I like the fact that he is so independent because it inspires me to be as such. However he does things... that doesn't always qualify as like your stand boyfriend behavior. Like hanging out with females in his bedroom until two in the morning. It's not that I don't trust him. It's just that its weird and its not so much that it bothers me its that I think it should. And maybe it just bothers me that I don't feel like I have the power over him to get him to not. It's clear that he needs to have his own time with his own friends without it being an issue of whether he has permission or not. And now maybe to answer your question about why does he hang out so late? He works late and he likes to smoke a couple blunts with some friends before he goes to sleep, so people usually come over to his place. And I mean it happens all the time, even on nights when I stay over at his house. And that's really what brings it all about, it's because he smokes weed. He smokes a lot.

I understand that its his responsibility and he does do it responsibly and doesn't allow it to take over his responsibilities in life. But I don't know, I just keep finding myself saying in my head: but its not normal. Most girlfriends who have boyfriends who love them, don't smoke weed every night and always chill with friends. I don't want to criticize him for it and I know you can't ever expect to change someone on that. You need to just learn to accept it and I can, but its the question of whether I should? I can do anything but what are the things that I should be doing? Shouldn't I learn to be open and trusting?

Is it just I am concerned what other people think about my boyfriend and that's why I am bothered? I want him to conform more so I don't feel as odd for being his girlfriend. Maybe I shouldn't be thinking that...

As you can see, I turn things very complicated in my head when I just want things black and white. Good or bad. Ahh but it is so far from that.

Thanks to anyone who reads this.
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