vain_regrets (vain_regrets) wrote in just_scream,

I wish I was strong enough to cry

I miss my best friend.
She lives a thousand miles away, and she won't come online to talk to me. She's been 'too busy' to exchange so much as an email with me for over a month now. She expects me to believe that she hasn't been online at all during that time.
I bet she's been on every damn day and just has me blocked so I can't see her status...I text her everyday asking if she'll have time for me..most the time I don't get an answer. When I do get an answer, it's something along the lines of 'no, sorry..I won't be home tonight.'
I'm losing her again; she's fucking me over and not giving a shit about how much it's hurting me.
And the terrible thing is..I still love her.
More than anything, the strongest thing I feel for her is love.
This girl has been one of the closet people to me for four years..and she's done this to me before. I lost all contact with her for almost a year, because she was suddenly 'too busy' for me..I just got her back a year ago, and now it seems the cycle is starting all over again.

I want more than anything for her to be happy with the person I am and to love me just as care about me and my happiness..Not to walk all over me and not give a damn when she pushes my face down in the mud.

I can't play these games anymore..I'm tired of being the one that shuts up and lets her take advantage of me. I'm tired of missing out on things I want to do in my life just so I can sit in front of a screen and IM her when she finally finds the time to talk to me. I'm tired of being the one that get's let down all the time. I'm tried of being the one that NEVER lets her down..I'm tired of being the one that's always there, when she never is..I'm tired of being the one who has to hurt. I'm so DAMN tired of being the one who gives a shit, when she clearly doesn't..
And I am so tired of being the one she thinks she can turn away from, and run back to when she suddenly remembers how much she loves me. I'm tired of being the one she feels guilty over for stabbing me in the back. I'm tired of being the one with the open wounds all the time..and I'm tired of her never being there to stitch them back up when I really need her to. I'm sick of how dependent I've been on her, when she's the least dependable person I've ever met. I'm sick of the lies and the deception and the petty bull shit she always pulls..I'm tired of her trying to hurt me, just to see if I'll get angry at her..I'm tried of being her damn toy.

And yet..Now she's not here again, and I'm so frustrated.
I miss her..

I'm losing her,
and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

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